Shortly after I posted my cursing faux pas, I was watching tv with the boys, and one of my favorite SpongeBob episodes was on. It is the one called “Sailor Mouth” and it features SpongeBob and Patrick using a word that, unbeknownst to them, is actually a VERY bad curse word. Sound familiar?
Unlike MY fancy talking at the cocktail party (http://reneespassport.blogspot.com/2009/02/somebody-call-folks-at-merriam-webster.html ) THIS whole thing is hilarious. SpongeBob comes across a word written on a dumpster...graffiti. Because he’s so good and wholesome and naïve, he doesn’t recognize it as anything but a funny sounding word. So he starts saying it. Instead of the viewer hearing any bad words, though, each time the word is spoken, there’s this sound effect like a dolphin squeaking, or a ship’s horn, or a seagull squawking, or something nautical-like. So as you read the following, imagine the dolphin noise each time you see the symbols for the bad word.
The episode begins with Mr. Krabs telling SpongeBob to take out the trash. Once SpongeBob gets outside, he starts reading the graffiti on the dumpster. He starts reading it all out loud. Here's kind of how it goes as Patrick walks up.
SpongeBob: Hmm.. someone didn't finish this one.
Patrick: That word?
SpongeBob: No, that one!
Patrick: Hmm... #$%%#! Uh, hey! I think I know what that word means. That's one of those sentence enhancers.
SpongeBob: Sentence enhancers?
Patrick: You use them when you want to talk fancy. You just sprinkle it on anything you say, and.. wham-O! You've got yourself a spicy sentence sandwich!
SpongeBob: Oh, I get it! Here, let me try. Umm.. hello Patrick, what #$%#%$^ weather we're having, isn't it?
Patrick: Why, yes it is, SpongeBob. This $%#$^%& day is $%#%^&% lovely!
SpongeBob: How $%#%#%^ right you are, Patrick. Patrick: %$#^$%#.
SpongeBob: You're right, Patrick, my lips are tingling from the spiciness of this conversation!
Patrick: Oh, mine too.
SpongeBob is walking into the Krusty Krab the next day.
SpongeBob: Hello customers, what a #$%#$#$ day we're having!
Fish dining there: Oh, did he just say..
2nd fish dining there: Aye, he did.
SpongeBob: Hi, Patrick, how the $%#% are you?
Patrick: Pretty $%#%#%% good, SpongeBob.
Old man fish: I thought this was a restaurant, not a gutter mouth convention.
SpongeBob taps on the restaurant microphone.
SpongeBob: Attention, customers, today's special is a $%#% Krabby Patty served with in a greasy $%#%$#$ sauce and grilled to %#$@$#% perfection. And don't forget to ask us to $#%# the $#$# fries. It'll be our %#%#%^^ pleasure. Hi Squidward, how the $#$% are ya?
Patrick: Nice $#%%^#% day we're having, isn't it Squidward?
Fish: Let's go somewhere more family-oriented.Everyone leaves the Krusty Krab.
Sirens wail.Mr. Krabs: Ah!! The Krusty Krab! She's empty! All hands on deck! Batten the front doors! Brace the cash register! Break out the happy snacks! Squidward, where have all me money paying customers gone?
Squidward: Apparently the two barnacle-mouth brothers just learned a new word, and SpongeBob said it over the intercom.
Mr. K: Well, what was it? What'd he say?
Squidward: Well.. uh.. (whispers to Mr. K the bad word)
Mr. K: AHHHHH!!!! SpongeBob and Friend! Front and center! I think I should make you paint the Krusty Krab for using such language!
SpongeBob: But Mr. Krabs, we were just using our sentence enhancers!
Patrick: Yeah, it's fancy talk.
Mr. K: Fancy? There's nothing fancy about that word!
SpongeBob : You mean #$%#?
Mr. K: Yes, that one! Now quit saying that. It's a bad word.
Both: Bad word?
Mr. K: Yes, that word was number 11. In fact, there are 13 words you shouldn't say.
Squidward: I thought there were 7.
Mr. K: Not when you're a sailor! Ar ar ar!
SpongeBob: Wow, thirteen....
Pat: That's a lot of $%#%#%^ bad words.
So, I think it's fair to say that what I made at the cocktail party wasn't an ass of myself, but rather, I made a spicy sentence sandwich. As my dad always said after I fed him some sort of excuse coupled with a lie: "Uh huh. Yeah. Well, it's your story. Tell it the way you want."